But I’m writing in it anyway.
And if that’s not the ultimate metaphor for existing under capitalism, I quite frankly don’t know what is.
Okay let’s move on, it’s January fourth (for a few more minutes) in year of our lord (and savior RBW) 2023. This is, as some of you may have noticed, a relatively new year, which to those of you who noticed it, might have some significance.
I’ve never been one to subscribe to arbitrary milestones (such as new years), believing firmly enough that life has plenty of real, tangible, change-catalyzing milestones to give your free twitch prime subscription to. This year is only kind of different, because I have had, or am having, two large milestones, each 3-4 weeks on either side of January first.
As I once wrote on this very wobsite (this very blag?): “I don’t even really dislike change.” This is an awkward sentence that I probably overwrought with the aim of it being six words, but regardless, the sentiment was true then and is still true now. But, as was also true then and is also still true now, sometimes enough is truly enough and everything just needs to slow down a little bit because I’m not as young as I once was and things are now heavier, weightier, heftier.
The earlier, unplanned milestone
Those of you who have been following along not-at-home will know that my grandma died last month. She was 100 years old, which, from my second-hand experience, is too long to live.
One particularly uneventful Monday evening, I got a text that she was in the hospital. I booked myself on the first flight the next morning from PDX to MFR. 12 hours after that text, I was sitting beside a hospital bed. 6 hours after that, she was discharged and I was learning from a social worker and then a nurse how to administer hospice care. I don’t think I’ve really fully processed this yet (and I’m sure I won’t for some time, because things are slow) but it’s truly mind-boggling just how quickly my entire world changed. I went from getting back to work after a holiday weekend to being a more-than-fulltime caregiver to a dying relative at the drop of a hat.
I’m finding myself struggling to properly describe the experience of those two weeks, so maybe that will have to wait for another day. Instead, I will summarize and say that it was potentially the most taxing period of my entire life, and while I’m no longer spending 14-16 hours a day trying to assess whether a dying person is as comfortable as I can possibly make them, the logistics and experience of loss continue to dominate my day-to-day through executorship and emotion, respectively.
I’m writing this from Grants Pass, even. Ready (or not) for a full day of it tomorrow. Wish me luck.
The upcoming, heavily-planned milestone
I’m leaving the country on January 28th and I don’t know when I’m coming back. I’m moving out of my house. I’m getting rid of the majority of my possessions. I’m saying goodbye to my spots and my people (who I will keep in touch with) and embarking on a grand adventure (see here) across countries and continents.
This is an experience I’ve been working towards for years and I am deeply deeply excited and grateful and eager to have it. But it’s still hard and big and heavy, logistically and emotionally. Even good exciting changes have costs.
We will of course discuss this more as it happens.
Too much all at once, that’s how you got so…
The real difficulty is managing both of these things at the same time. A death requires attention in the weeks following (especially when you are in charge of the affairs), and a move requires attention in the weeks preceding.
Reader, I am not ashamed to tell you that I am overwhelmed by these two demands on my facilities. Let alone, the demands of my work, my sports, my band, the myriad other facets of my busy, full life.
The fun stuff in between
Life goes on no matter what else you have, uh, going on. I hosted a new years eve party (kind of), my band will be playing our one (1) show next Friday. I’ll play my last game as a Bad Lad on Wednesday night (maybe). I’m trying to make as much time as I can for the person I’ve been seeing.
These things are all joyful and momentous in their own ways.